


No Word for Dysphoria in Raksuran

by Inkyrius



Category: Books of the Raksura - Martha Wells
Genre: Character Study, Gen, M/M, Trans Character, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkyrius/pseuds/Inkyrius
Summary: When River was very young, he’d thought he’d become a consort when he grew up.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lastwingedthing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastwingedthing/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! I was reading through letters for this fandom, and when I saw yours I was immediately intrigued. I hadn't considered trans!River before, but looking back it made perfect sense, so I hope I've done justice to the concept. (This is also my first attempt at River/Moon, so I hope it actually comes through properly.)

When River was very young, he’d thought he’d become a consort when he grew up.

To be fair, he’d never met any consort fledglings. His own royal clutch-mates had died before he could remember, an early sign of the court’s imminent decline. And his scales were green, which was sort of like black. He’d assumed they would just darken with time, the way Stone’s had gone grey. Being a consort just made sense to him.

But even as a naïve child, he wasn’t an idiot. As time went by, it became clear that his scales weren’t changing color. And once he noticed that, he started noticing the adults’ expressions when he talked about his plans to go to another court and be claimed by a queen and take care of his own fledglings.

He stopped talking about his plans after that. He was a warrior, after all. The most excitement he was likely to get was escorting the royal Aeriat to other courts on diplomatic visits. But that was what he was born to do, so he embraced it. What else could he do?

By the time he began his warrior training, his childhood ambitions had been relegated to an embarrassing childhood story used when he was getting too rebellious. These days he was the model warrior, throwing himself into his lessons with gusto. After all, he told himself, if he could learn to be a proper warrior the last vestiges of his childhood dreams would go away. He was old enough not to have an excuse anymore.

He did everything he could to try and fix himself. When the fact of the lessons wasn’t enough, he worked even harder, tiring himself out enough to stop dreaming altogether. He was making a name for himself in the court, the young warrior so dedicated to his duties, but he didn’t notice. That would have meant talking to the Arbora, which meant slowing down and giving his failings a chance to catch up with him.

He couldn’t maintain that pace forever, though. He’d become a fully-fledged adult, and there was only so much call for warriors.

That was when he became aware of Pearl’s attention. She’d been taking warrior lovers for a while, even if she refused to take another consort. Somehow, though, River had never considered himself a possible candidate. Not that it didn’t make sense, of course. He was the best warrior in the court and everyone knew it. Why wouldn’t she take an interest in him?

There was never any question of him turning her down. She was the queen, after all. Just being known as one of her favorites would give him a level of power in the court. He’d have to be an idiot to let that opportunity slip past.

He kept telling himself as she kicked him out of her bower after the fact. Again, it made sense. There was clearly no chance of offspring, so there was no need to attach any importance to it. It was just fun for both of them. Wanting more would just lead to pain. It was impossible, and he knew it.

He contented himself with things as they were. He stuck his head in the sand with regard to the way the court was failing, instead flaunting his status at every chance. That part admittedly wasn’t hard; he found that he greatly enjoyed having power.

Needless to say, he wasn’t impressed when an upstart solitary came along and tried to spoil that for him. Everything he’d worked for was being threatened by a feral nobody who thought he could just swan in and take over. He didn’t even know what it meant to be a consort.

And the worst part was that despite that, despite everything that suggested that he would be terrible for the court, he was actually effective. River still hated him personally, of course. His presence flew in the face of everything River stood for, and he wasn’t going to forgive that just because Moon happened to have saved the entire court once or twice. He did stop going out of his way to antagonize him, but that was just common sense. No point in pissing off someone who could make his life harder.

Besides, River had other problems. Now that Jade had a consort, there were rumors that Pearl was interested in taking one too. He didn’t care, really, since he’d already lost most of his standing and that was the only reason he would have been invested in it. But still. Big things were happening, and he could be forgiven for being a bit stressed.

And if Moon just happened to cross his path when he was already tense, he could hardly be blamed for picking a fight. He flew down to the platform Moon was crossing, taking note of the other’s appearance. “Oh, you look tired,” he said as he landed. “Was sitting around and receiving gifts for doing nothing too much for you?”

Moon growled, but didn’t bother shifting. “Well, it actually required manners, which are apparently too much for you.”

River strolled closer. He wasn’t exactly looking for a fight, but he couldn’t say he’d mind if one broke out. “Oh no, did the poor solitary have to act like a civilized adult for once?”

Sadly, Moon didn’t rise to the bait. “Maybe next time we can trade. You take care of all the ridiculous social customs, and I’ll sit around being obnoxious.”

River tried to keep himself from thinking about it, but he couldn’t quite escape the mental image of himself entertaining visiting consorts, laughing with them over tea, having a place among them… To his horror, his spines started to relax without his consent. He hastily flared them again, but it was clear from Moon’s expression that his slip-up had not gone unnoticed.

This was very much not the fight that River was looking for. He took off, hoping Moon would be too stunned to follow him. He wasn’t sure quite where he was going, but that didn’t matter nearly as much as getting away so he could figure out what the hell had just happened.

An hour of flying in circles later, he’d convinced himself that it was just a crossed wire in his brain. He’d reacted to the similarity to his childhood dream, which had made him think about when things were simpler and that had made him relax. It was unfortunate and embarrassing, but understandable. He would probably have to avoid Moon’s presence for the rest of their lives, but that was hardly a loss.

It also wasn’t remotely feasible. As little as he wanted to have that conversation, you couldn’t exactly live in the same colony-tree as someone without running into them on a fairly regular basis. It had only been a week when he ran into Moon coming out of the nursery. “Trying to psych yourself up to do your duty to the court? It’s okay to be scared, you know,” River sneered without thinking.

He tried to maintain his aggressive posture, even though he was cringing internally. He had to hold his ground. He couldn’t show any more weakness. Yes, Moon was about to rip into his most vulnerable points, but that was his own fault for exposing it to an enemy.

“Yes, I’m terrified that my children will turn out like you. Fortunately, you’ve just reminded me that no one else could possibly sink that low.” Moon shoved his way past before River could think of a response other than relief. He knew he should do something, but instead he just watched Moon go.

He didn’t quite trust the unspoken agreement, but at least it was something. Moon might be saving it to use to humiliate him in front of the court, but there wasn’t much River could do about that. At least for now he could go back to pointing out every way Moon was a disgrace.

All in the name of the court, of course. He was doing it for entirely altruistic reasons. He definitely wasn’t looking forward to their next meeting.


End file.
